Luxury Escapes Await: Alcazaba Hotel, Johannesburg's Hidden Gem
Luxury Escapes Await: Alcazaba Hotel, Johannesburg - My Confessions of a Jozi Junkie
Okay, buckle up buttercups, because I'm about to spill my guts (and maybe a little bit of that delicious, free-range, international cuisine) about the Alcazaba Hotel in Johannesburg. This isn’t your typical hotel review, all polished and perfect. This is real, folks. I'm not a travel blogger, I'm a Jozi-ite, and I have opinions. And sometimes those opinions involve a slightly too-generous pour of Pinotage.
First Impressions & the "Accessibility" Angle - Because Let's Get Real
Right off the bat, the Alcazaba looks promising. It's got that vaguely Moorish, effortlessly chic vibe that screams "expensive taste," even if my bank account is more "budget backpacker." Now, about accessibility… The website says "Facilities for disabled guests." Alrighty then. This is where my inner cynic kicks in. "Facilities" can mean anything from a strategically placed ramp to a vague nod in the direction of inclusivity. I didn't personally test this angle, but I'd strongly advise calling ahead and grilling them about the details. Check for yourself! Don't take my word for granted. I trust people but I am not that kind of person.
The Rooms: My Personal Sanctuary (… Mostly)
My room. Oh, the room. It was lovely. Actually, it was MORE than lovely. It had a plush, extra-long bed (thank goodness, because I’m a sprawler), blackout curtains (essential for battling that Jozi sun), and a separate shower and bathtub. I spent a solid hour just luxuriating in the separateness of it all. Bliss. I mean, there were linens, and towels… and a mini-bar (which I probably shouldn't have gone wild on, but let's be honest, I did).
The Internet: Bless the Free Wi-Fi Gods!
Let's cut to the chase: Free Wi-Fi in all rooms is a godsend. Seriously. I spent a good portion of my stay binge-watching something incredibly trashy on Netflix, perfectly guilt-free. The fact that they also had Internet [LAN] is a bonus for the tech-savvy, but let’s be real, I was mostly tethered to the Wi-Fi, avoiding the messy wires. They also offered Internet Services so good on them. Nice.
Food, Glorious Food! (And the Occasional Slight Panic)
Okay, the dining situation. This is where things get interesting, and maybe a little… messy. Alcazaba has options. Lots of them. The Restaurant has an A la carte menu including things like Asian Cuisine and I can’t tell you how much I love that. I really think all hotels in Johannesburg should offer Vegetarian Restaurants too. I love that they have a Western Cuisine because that's what I like the most. The Buffet in restaurant with Coffee/tea in restaurant and Desserts in restaurant were amazing!
The Poolside bar was tempting, especially with the promise of Happy Hour. The Room service [24-hour], however, was truly a lifesaver after a particularly grueling day of… well, just being in Johannesburg. One night, I ordered (brace yourselves) a Salad in restaurant and a Soup in restaurant. It arrived promptly, the salad was fresh, the soup was actually good. It was a moment of pure, unadulterated contentment.
The Breakfast [buffet] was a highlight, offering a wide array of choices, including (and this is crucial) Western breakfast. I mean, you need your eggs, bacon, and all that jazz to face a Jozi day. I'm not sure if they have options for a Breakfast takeaway service, but just knowing that they have it makes me feel good.
Relaxation Station: Spa Day and Sauna Shenanigans
Let's talk ways to relax. Alcazaba has a spa. A real, legit spa. They offer Body scrub, Body wrap, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa/Sauna, Steamroom. I booked myself a massage. And, oh boy, was it needed. I walked in stressed, walked out… well, still slightly stressed (because, again, Jozi) but considerably more relaxed. The Spa was a sanctuary, a haven from the chaos. The Sauna was a bit of a sweaty affair, but I loved it.
Cleanliness, Safety, and the Covid Dance
In the age of Covid, this is crucial. Alcazaba seems to take it seriously. The Anti-viral cleaning products, Daily disinfection in common areas, Hand sanitizer, and the fact that the Staff trained in safety protocol made me feel… relatively safe. I saw Individually-wrapped food options and Sanitized kitchen and tableware items. They even offered Room sanitization opt-out available. The Physical distancing of at least 1 meter was at least attempted. There's a Doctor/nurse on call (another good sign). I didn't see anyone getting ill and that's a good sign.
Things to Do: Beyond the Hotel Walls
Okay, so, Johannesburg. It's a city that demands exploration. Alcazaba is close to many things. Airport Transfer is a good one too.
Services and Conveniences: The Little Things That Matter
Cash withdrawal? Check. Concierge? Check. Daily housekeeping? Double check. Facilities for disabled guests (again, check it out)? Hopefully, check. The Elevator was a lifesaver, especially after a long day of sightseeing. The Laundry service was a godsend (because let’s be honest, I’m not doing laundry on vacation).
The Quirks, the Imperfections, the Realness
Look, no hotel is perfect. There was the slight hiccup with my keycard (which was promptly resolved). The gym? I glanced in, but let’s just say my "fitness routine" was more focused on the mini-bar. But these are minor quibbles. The staff? Friendly, helpful, and genuinely trying to provide a good experience. The 24-hour Front desk was very nice and helpful.
The Verdict: Would I Go Back?
Absolutely. Alcazaba is a hidden gem. It might not be flawless, but it offers a comfortable, stylish, and generally enjoyable experience. And in a city like Johannesburg, that's saying something. It gets a solid thumbs up from this slightly cynical, infinitely subjective, and completely Jozi-obsessed reviewer. Just promise me you'll order the salad. You won’t regret it. And maybe, just maybe, leave a little Pinotage for me.
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Okay, buckle up, buttercup. This isn't your glossy, Instagram-perfect travel plan. This is reality. And Johannesburg? Well, it's a rollercoaster. Here's my messy, hopefully-not-completely-disastrous itinerary for the Alcazaba Hotel, interspersed with my (often-unfiltered) thoughts:
Pre-Trip Brain Dump (aka, the panic phase):
Right, Alcazaba Hotel. Sounded swanky online. Pictures showed… well, pictures. But you never really know until you're there, right? I packed way too many things, of course. Always do. And I’m already regretting not packing that specific shade of blue scarf. What even is sky in South Africa anyway?
Day 1: Arrival and the Initial Awkwardness
- Time: 6:00 AM - Wake up at home with heart palpitations. Did I leave the oven on? Did I pack my passport? (Yes. Probably.)
- Time: 8:00 AM - Airport chaos. Briefly considered just staying home and eating cereal. But then, adventure! (Maybe.)
- Time: 12:00 PM - Landed in Johannesburg! Temperature: Scorching. Humidity: Enough to make my hair frizz into a thousand angry little coils. First observation: The air smells different here. Kind of… earthy, maybe? Slightly intimidating.
- Time: 1:00 PM - Uber to Alcazaba. Driver was chatty. I mostly nodded and pretended to understand his Zulu. Pretty sure he asked about my love life. Johannesburg: Level one already!
- Time: 2:00 PM - Checked into the Alcazaba. The lobby does look like the pictures! Relief washes over me like a lukewarm wave. The room… well, it's got a bed. And a vaguely questionable minibar. The view? Overlooks a… building. Okay. It's a building.
- Time: 3:00 PM - Attempted to unpack elegantly. Failed. My suitcase exploded, revealing a sea of mismatched socks and questionable swimsuits.
- Time: 4:00 PM - Walked around the neighbourhood. Got a bit hopelessly lost. Ended up staring at a guy fixing a car, just absorbing the chaos. Had a moment of sheer, unadulterated awe. Okay, I'm getting the vibe of this city.
- Time: 6:00 PM - Dinner: Ordered a burger at the hotel's restaurant. It was… fine. Undeniably edible. The music, however, felt like it was stuck on a loop of elevator jazz. Feeling slightly homesick for a good burger.
- Time: 8:00 PM - Attempted to watch TV. Failed. Couldn’t find a channel in a language I understood. Settled on staring at my phone.
Day 2: Diving Deep (and a Little Too Deep) into the Gold Reef City
- Time: 9:00 AM - Breakfast. Stared at the buffet. Mostly consumed coffee and existential dread. The fruit looked suspiciously perfect.
- Time: 10:00 AM - Uber to Gold Reef City. Honestly, I was expecting… well, something. It was, unexpectedly, exactly what I wanted. Okay, gold and theme park? Sign me up.
- Time: 11:00 AM - Took the "gold mine" tour, and holy moly. Down in the dark, cramped tunnels, the guide – a lovely, slightly mad old lady named Gladys – regaled us with tales of backbreaking labour and daring escapes. Gave me serious claustrophobia and a newfound respect for miners. Also, apparently, the place is haunted. Gladys winked. I yelped.
- Time: 1:00 PM - Rode the rollercoaster. Nearly lost my lunch (and possibly my dignity).
- Time: 1:30 PM - Ate a hot dog and tried not to think about the ghosts. Failed.
- Time: 2:00 PM - Watched the traditional dances. The energy! Pure, unadulterated joy. Suddenly, I was that tourist clapping and trying to move my feet.
- Time: 3:00 PM - Accidentally got stuck in a children's carousel. It was… humiliating. But also kind of hilarious.
- Time: 4:00 PM - Left Gold Reef City feeling slightly dizzy, thoroughly covered in sweat, but strangely exhilarated. Johannesburg, you crazy, wonderful city.
- Time: 5:00 PM - Uber back. Chatty driver again. This time, he tried to teach me a few phrases in Afrikaans. I butchered them. Terribly.
- Time: 7:00 PM - Dinner at a local restaurant. Tried the biltong. It tasted like… well, I'm not sure. Like something that spent a little too much time in the sun. Texture was something like tough jerky. My new love, though, was the spicy tomato relish. Absolute perfection.
- Time: 9:00 PM - Had my first South African wine. (I may have had a few glasses.) Woke up to a headache in the middle of the night.
Day 3: Soweto and Raw Reality (and the Unexpected Kindness)
- Time: 9:00 AM - Woke up. Headache. Blasted. (Also realized, finally, how to make coffee with the in-room kettle)
- Time: 10:00 AM - Took a tour of Soweto. This was the day I fell in love. It was overwhelming, hard to process. First, the history; the struggle, the stories. Then, the people. Friendly, warm, open.
- Time: 11:00 AM - Visited the Hector Pieterson Memorial. A gut punch. Just a brutal reminder of the price of change. We got a chance to sit with a few locals. We talked about everyday life. Their laughter, in the face of everything, was the most hopeful thing I've felt.
- Time: 12:00 - Lunch. Ate the most incredible, juicy boerewors sausage. The taste was unbelievable. The place was an outdoor cafe. The air was warm.
- Time: 1:00 PM - Visited Mandela House. The place was small, humble. I was moved.
- Time: 2:00 PM - Had to take a moment, just to sit and absorb the sheer humanness of the place.
- Time: 6:00 PM - Dinner. I tried something new. A full plate of African foods. I didn't know most of what I was eating, but I was happy, grateful.
- Time: 8:00 PM - Talked to the bartender at the hotel for about an hour. Told me about his life. South Africa. I get it. You have to learn something every day.
Day 4: Departure Day (and the bittersweet hangover)
- Time: 6:00 AM - Wake up. Ugh. Packing. Again. My suitcase looks worse than when I arrived.
- Time: 7:00 AM - Breakfast. Ate everything. Feeling nostalgic for the slightly-too-perfect fruit.
- Time: 8:00 AM - Walked to the Rosebank art market. (I wanted a specific, slightly kitschy, giraffe) Found a few treasures. Okay, I found mostly giraffe.
- Time: 10:00 AM - Last-minute panic shopping for souvenirs. Found a beautiful scarf. Remembered the blue scarf. Gave up.
- Time: 12:00 PM - Departed the hotel. Goodbye Alcazaba.
- Time: 1:00 PM - Uber to the airport. The driver, bless him, knew I was exhausted. No chatting!
- Time: 2:00 PM - Airport. Check-in, security, the whole shebang.
- Time: 4:00 PM - On the plane. Goodbye, Johannesburg. You were chaotic, overwhelming, sometimes scary, always surprising. You challenged me. You humbled me. You made me laugh (and cry) in ways I didn't expect. And you gave me some memories I'll carry forever. South Africa. I'm coming back. Though maybe next time, I'll pack two blue scarves.
Post-Trip Thoughts (aka, the inevitable reflections):
Okay, I didn't stick to the rigid schedule. Got lost multiple times. Probably said the wrong thing to the wrong person at least once. But I felt something. I experienced something. And that, my friends, is what travel is all about. Now to start planning the next trip. (Where do I begin?)
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Luxury Escapes Await: Alcazaba Hotel, Johannesburg - The Real Deal (Maybe?) FAQ - Unfiltered Edition
Okay, spill the beans! Is the Alcazaba Hotel *really* as luxurious as the pictures make it look?
Is the location safe? I've heard... things... about Joburg.
Let’s talk food. Is the hotel restaurant any good? And what about breakfast? Because, you know, *breakfast*.
Okay, the pool. You mentioned it. Is it as glorious in reality as it looks in the photos?
What about the staff? Are they friendly? Helpful? Or just going through the motions?
How about the spa? Any good? (Always gotta ask!)
Anything you absolutely *wouldn't* recommend about the Alcazaba?
So, the million-dollar question: Would you go back?
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