Escape to Paradise: Your Cozy Twix House in Moscow's Newest Gem!
Escape to Paradise: Your Cozy Twix House in Moscow's Newest Gem! - A Review (With Rambling!)
Alright, buckle up buttercups, because I've just survived – I mean, experienced – the "Escape to Paradise: Your Cozy Twix House in Moscow's Newest Gem!" And let me tell you, it's a mixed bag, like a bag of assorted chocolates, some you love, some you're eh about, but overall, you probably end up eating the whole damn thing. This isn't your polished, corporate-speak review. This is real. A bit messy. A bit opinionated. And probably, definitely, too long. But hey, that's real life, isn't it?
First Impressions (The Good… and The Quirky)
Okay, so "Moscow's Newest Gem?" Bit of a stretch, perhaps. More like Moscow's shiny newish pebble, I guess. But the building itself? Pretty sleek. Modern. That exterior corridor? Not my favorite, kinda gives off… well, motel vibes. But hey, it was clean, and the security (more on that later) seemed tight. Immediately you're greeted by a friendly doorman. Always a good start. And the lobby? Surprisingly inviting. Big, bright, with a hint of… well, maybe a little too much chrome for this old soul. And definitely, you'll find a lobby with air conditioning which is a blessing when walking around Moscow, especially with the summer sun.
Accessibility: The Fine Print (and the Hopeful Signs)
Now, as someone who appreciates a little… graceful entry and exit (read: not tripping over my own feet), accessibility matters. Thankfully, the website claimed "facilities for disabled guests". And the elevator? Absolutely essential. Check! The rooms have the added bonus of providing room services, and the concierge is available to answer all your needs. But the details are always where it falls apart, right? The website says it's wheelchair accessible, in my experience, the devil is in the details. I didn't specifically test this, but judging by the layout of the common areas (lots of wide spaces), I'd say they've tried. Fingers crossed they followed through in the rooms too.
Cleanliness and Safety (The COVID-19 Tango)
Listen, in this day and age, cleanliness is paramount. I'm talking germophobia activated. Escape to Paradise appeared to take safety seriously. They had hand sanitizer stations everywhere, and they claim to use anti-viral cleaning products. Staff were wearing masks (good), and there were shields at the check-in desk (double good!). Rooms are sanitized between stays, which is a big plus. The daily disinfection in common areas was visible (and appreciated), and they even had professional-grade sanitizing services. I will say, even despite having rooms sanitization opt-out available, I felt comfortable. No, it's no hospital-grade sterile, but it felt safe. Cashless payment is available – another HUGE win. The physical distancing of at least 1 meter was pretty well enforced, though let's be honest, that's harder to maintain in the crowded restaurant during breakfast. Staff trained in safety protocol – they certainly seemed to be.
Rooms: The Twix House… Reimagined?
Okay, the "Twix House" thing? A marketing gimmick, obviously. There were no giant caramel sticks or chocolate bars. The rooms themselves were comfortable, I guess. They had air conditioning (praise be!), a coffee/tea maker (essential!), and a mini-bar stocked with reasonably priced… well, everything. The bed was comfortable, the blackout curtains worked (bliss!), and there were tons of sockets near the bed – a modern marvel! The bathroom phone was weird, but the shower was good. Complimentary bottled water! Hallelujah. I also loved the convenience of daily housekeeping, which is a definite must-have when you want a quick tidy. The extra long bed was another welcome addition. Honestly, though, the room felt… a little generic. A bit hotel-y. I kind of wished for a little more personality. But then again, maybe the lack of personality is a good thing when you're traveling.
- Available in all rooms: Air conditioning, Alarm clock, Bathrobes, Bathroom phone, Bathtub, Blackout curtains, Carpeting, Closet, Coffee/tea maker, Complimentary tea, Daily housekeeping, Desk, Extra long bed, Free bottled water, Hair dryer, High floor, In-room safe box, Interconnecting room(s) available, Internet access – LAN, Internet access – wireless, Ironing facilities, Laptop workspace, Linens, Mini bar, Mirror, Non-smoking, On-demand movies, Private bathroom, Reading light, Refrigerator, Safety/security feature, Satellite/cable channels, Scale, Seating area, Separate shower/bathtub, Shower, Slippers, Smoke detector, Socket near the bed, Sofa, Soundproofing, Telephone, Toiletries, Towels, Umbrella, Visual alarm, Wake-up service, Wi-Fi [free], Window that opens.
Food, Glorious Food (and the occasional existential crisis)
Breakfast. Ah, breakfast. This is make-or-break for me. And the "Escape to Paradise" mostly delivered. They had a breakfast [buffet] with Asian cuisine in restaurant, and Western cuisine in restaurant, and they also offer breakfast service. The buffet itself was… okay. Your standard hotel fare of scrambled eggs, sad-looking sausages, and a mountain of pastries. I did spot some Asian breakfast options (noodles, anyone?), but I was too busy inhaling a mountains of croissants to try it. They did a good job of having individually-wrapped food options, which was reassuring. I'd heard murmurs that there were restaurants on-site with A la carte in restaurant, and some amazing desserts. The coffee/tea in restaurant was good. They also had a poolside bar (more on that later), a snack bar, and room service [24-hour] – perfect for late-night cravings. The bottle of water was a lifesaver after one too many vodka sodas.
- Dining, drinking, and snacking: A la carte in restaurant, Alternative meal arrangement, Asian breakfast, Asian cuisine in restaurant, Bar, Bottle of water, Breakfast [buffet], Breakfast service, Buffet in restaurant, Coffee/tea in restaurant, Coffee shop, Desserts in restaurant, Happy hour, International cuisine in restaurant, Poolside bar, Restaurants, Room service [24-hour], Salad in restaurant, Snack bar, Soup in restaurant, Vegetarian restaurant, Western breakfast, Western cuisine in restaurant.
Things to Do (and Ways to Waste Time Beautifully)
Here's where "Escape to Paradise" almost lives up to the name. The swimming pool [outdoor] area was gorgeous. Pool with view? Absolutely. The pool itself was clean and refreshing. And there's a sauna (yes!), a steam room (double yes!), and a fitness center (that I, uh, never actually visited – I was far too busy lounging by the pool). There's a spa… It was a nice touch to add a foot bath. They even had a massage. Tempted? Yes. Did you dive in? No. But there's also a spa/sauna combo, so that's always a win-win. But the real star of the show? The terrace. I spent hours out there (there's Free Wi-Fi in all rooms!) reading, drinking coffee, and pretending to be a sophisticated traveler. It's all very… escapist.
- Things to do, ways to relax: Body scrub, Body wrap, Fitness center, Foot bath, Gym/fitness, Massage, Pool with view, Sauna, Spa, Spa/sauna, Steamroom, Swimming pool, Swimming pool [outdoor].
Internet and Tech (because you can't escape everything)
Honestly, a modern hotel is just expected to have good internet. Free Wi-Fi in all the rooms! They bragged about it, in fact! The connection was decent, didn't cut out, not much else to write home about. They did have Internet access – LAN if you're into that thing.
- Internet: Internet, Internet [LAN], Internet services, Wi-Fi in public areas, Wi-Fi for special events.
Getting Around (and Avoiding the Moscow Traffic Nightmare)
The hotel offered airport transfer (which I took and was smooth sailing) and valet parking (which I definitely did not use, because Moscow traffic is a beast). They also have a car park [free of charge], and car park [on-site]. And for the truly adventurous, there's bicycle parking. I didn't see any car power charging station, but these aren't mentioned in the description. Taxi service is available. The elevator gets you up and down from the rooms.
- Getting around: Airport transfer, Bicycle parking, Car park [free of charge], Car park [on-site], Car power charging station, Taxi service, Val
Alright, strap yourselves in buttercups, because this ain't your grandma's itinerary. This is… well, my itinerary. For a little getaway to that Twix House thingy in Nova Moskva, Russia. Expect a rollercoaster of emotions, questionable decisions, and the honest truth – which, let's be real, is often a glorious mess.
The Pre-Trip Frenetics (aka "Did I Pack Enough Socks?")
- Days Before: Panic. Pure, unadulterated panic. Did I remember to renew my passport? (Checked – PHEW!). Did I book that stupid transfer from the airport? (…Uh…) Okay, gotta do that. Seriously, I'm so bad at this. I’m scrolling through endless packing lists and end up with a suitcase that looks suspicious, like I plan on starting an underground potato smuggling ring.
- The "Essentials" Rundown: Okay, let's be real. I'm bringing: 1. Comfortable shoes (duh). 2. A book I'll probably barely touch because I'll be too busy staring out the window. 3. A slightly too-ambitious selection of face masks. 4. About 5 extra pairs of socks because I ALWAYS mess up on how many I need. 5. My best friend's lucky rabbit's foot (because I'm superstitious like that).
- The Currency Conundrum: I hope I can figure this goddamn Ruble conversion out because my math skills are equivalent to a toddler.
Day 1: Arrival & Initial Overwhelm (and Maybe a Panic Pizza)
- Morning: The agonizing flight. My legroom. My nemesis. A constant battle of wills to keep it in my space. Touchdown in Moscow! The air is different. Cold, a little bit exotic? I’m already regretting not learning more than "Spasibo" and "Da".
- Afternoon: The transfer. Hopefully, the driver actually shows up. Please, God, don't let him be one of those people who takes fifteen minutes to pick you up. This is when it starts. The "Oh-my-god-I'm-actually-here" feeling, then the immediate "What-have-I-done?" feeling.
- Late Afternoon: The Twix House! (Assuming I made it there.) I'm hoping the pictures lived up to the hype and that I didn't stumble into some weird rural Russian commune. First impressions are EVERYTHING. I imagine myself standing there with wide-eyed wonder. Okay, or maybe tired and hungry, because, you know, the flight.
- Evening: The unpacking – a disaster, naturally. Clothes everywhere. I bet I'll find my lucky rabbit's foot in the most unexpected place. Dinner dilemma: Do I brave the Russian cuisine (which I'm sure will be delicious, but also terrifyingly unfamiliar), or do I cave and order a pizza? Let's be honest, pizza is winning.
Day 2: Exploring & The "Russian Experience" (with a side of anxiety)
- Morning: Breakfast in the Twix house, after which… hmm… where do I even begin? I'd like to start with a light walk around the nearby villages. Find the local market to look for anything cute, probably get lost in a language barrier.
- Afternoon: The Bus or Car Dilemma: Here's where it gets a little hairy. Do I try public transport (which is probably an adventure in itself) or do I try to hire a car, which would be more comfortable but also terrify me. I haven't driven in a while. I'll probably get lost either way.
- Late Afternoon/Evening: I am going into this with a positive attitude. I'm going to brave a restaurant. I'll order whatever the waiter recommends, which will probably lead to something I've never tasted before. If they don't have an English menu, well… practice your charades skills. I'm envisioning myself dramatically pantomiming "chicken" and "potatoes."
- Night: Back in the house – a deep breath, maybe a glass of wine, some quiet time. I'll write a journal about everything. The good, the bad, the utterly bizarre.
Day 3: That One Thing, Times Two, Times a Thousand (and Maybe Tears)
- Morning: Okay, this is where things get interesting. I'm committing to one thing today. I'm talking about all in. What is that one thing? I don't know yet! That's the joy of the unknown. Maybe a hike in the nearby forest. Perhaps a cooking class focused on Russian cuisine (scary, but fun). I'd like to immerse myself in the experience without letting my anxiety take over.
- Afternoon: The same thing from the morning. Times two. Going back to it because I want to. Double down on the experience. I want to feel it as it truly is. No rushing, just absorbing.
- Late Afternoon/Evening: I'm gonna do that one thing again! Times a thousand. I've committed to it all day. I'm going to bask in it. I'm probably going to cry. Yes! Tears of joy, tears of frustration, tears of… who knows? If this experience doesn't make me weep, I'll have done something wrong.
- Night: The emotional aftermath. If I'm not emotionally drained, I didn't do it right. Back to the Twix House, to the warm and inviting comfort which the house is probably. I'll probably need an early night. I will probably need to call my mom to talk me through the most intense feelings. And yes, I'll probably be dreaming about it for weeks.
Day 4: The "Getting Out" Phase & Farewell (and the inevitable "What Did I Forget?")
- Morning: Waking up with a general feeling of… something. Relief? Sadness? A strange mix of both? I wonder what the day will be like. Packing. The most dreaded activity of all time. The "Wait, did I forget something?" panic sets in. I will inevitably discover some essential item I forgot to pack and that I really needed.
- Afternoon: A leisurely walk around. A last-minute attempt to soak in the atmosphere. A final goodbye to the little Twix House.
- Late Afternoon: Transfer to the airport. More anxiety about the flight. How hard is it to find a flight?
- Evening: The flight. The dreaded flight. Trying to sleep. Trying to be comfortable.
- Night: I'll be back home. Exhausted. But hopefully, transformed. I will write a full blog post of everything. Everything about the trip.
Post-Trip:
- A few weeks later: I'll be obsessively scrolling through photos, telling stories about the experience. And maybe, just maybe, already planning the next crazy adventure.
So there you have it. My messy, honest, totally unpredictable itinerary. Wish me luck (I'll need it). And hey, if you see a confused-looking person in Nova Moskva, probably yelling at a menu, come say hi. I'll probably need a friend.
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Escape to Paradise: FAQ - Because Let's Be Honest, You Have Questions (And So Do I!)
Okay, "Cozy Twix House"... What *IS* that? Is it, like, actually made of candy? (Asking for a friend… who is also me)
Alright, first things first: Sadly, no. My "Cozy Twix House" isn't literally constructed of delicious, caramel-filled, chocolatey goodness. Although, wouldn't *that* be a story for the ages? (Imagining the ants...the delicious, persistent ants...) It's more of a vibe, you know? A feeling. I'd describe it as... well, imagine if a Twix bar was a house. It's warm, it's inviting, it's got that perfect balance of comforting sweetness and a little bit of a "bite" (hopefully in a good way!). The real secret ingredient, after all, is the location. It's set in the "Newest Gem" of Moscow. I'm not saying it's perfect, mind you, but it's certainly cozy. And, let's be honest, who *doesn't* want a little bit of comfort and sweetness in their life? I know *I* sure as hell do.
Moscow? Seriously? Is it... you know... safe? (My mom is already giving me the side-eye.)
Look, I get it. Moscow. It's on everyone's "Hmm, maybe?" list. Safety is a HUGE priority. The "Newest Gem" part is a rapidly developing district. It's had some teething problems, sure. Remember that time the power went out at 3 am? Yeah. But generally? It's... fine. I mean, I'm still alive, aren't I? Think of it like this: you wouldn't judge a whole city based on one dodgy hot dog stand, right? (Although, that *one* hot dog... I'll get to that later.) Anyway, safety protocols are in place. The building has security, the neighborhood's pretty well-lit. It's probably safer than my apartment back home, which, I should add, has a very questionable lock situation. So, tell your mom I get it. And tell her I'm still standing.
What's the "vibe" of this "Newest Gem" neighborhood? Is it all boring concrete blocks?
Concrete? Okay, yeah, there's *some* concrete. But think of it as a modern canvas! Seriously, it's a work in progress. There’s this amazing park nearby with these cool sculptures – I swear, one of them looks like it came straight outta a sci-fi movie. Then there's the cafe down the street, where they make the most *incredible* coffee. (Seriously, you'll dream about it.) And the people? A real mix. Young families, artists, people just trying to make a life. It's growing. There are definitely areas in the city that are... well... a little less alive. This is the place to be, though. Oh, and about the hot dog thing... I mentioned, right? Okay, so there's this one stand… and I had *one* hot dog. Once. Never again. I'm pretty sure it's still haunted by the ghost of processed meat. But that's just *one* hot dog stall!
Is there Wi-Fi? Because, you know, the internet is kind of important these days. (And Netflix.)
Wi-Fi? Absolutely! We're not cavemen (mostly). And yes, the internet is blazing fast. So, yes, you can stream Netflix (which, let's be honest, is a lifesaver after a long day of exploring Moscow). We *might* have had a small hiccup in the Wi-Fi setup initially. Like, the router refused to play nice. But we got it sorted, finally. It's been a saga, I'll tell you. We're talking multiple calls with tech support (in a language I barely speak), and a lot of panicked Googling. But we got there! Now, it's smooth sailing... mostly. Okay, maybe not *smooth* sailing. But functional. And hey, at least you can complain about the Wi-Fi in real-time!
What's the kitchen situation? Can I actually cook, or am I stuck eating pre-packaged snacks? (My internal monologue is already screaming for home-cooked meals.)
The kitchen... bless its heart. It's small, but mighty. It's got everything you *need* to cook. A stove, a fridge, a microwave, the works. Okay, maybe not *everything* you need. I'm not sure what’s going on with the oven - never used it - but if you want to make a proper feast, it’s probably not the space. But you *can* definitely whip up a decent meal. I’ve made pasta, scrambled eggs, even a questionable attempt at a Russian salad. (My chopping skills need work.) Just remember, it’s a “cozy” kitchen. Don’t expect to be hosting a culinary competition. Also, there's a grocery store about a 10-minute walk away. So, no, you're not stuck with pre-packaged snacks. Unless, you know, you *want* to be. No judgment here.
What if something goes wrong? Like, really, really wrong? (My anxiety is whispering sweet nothings.)
Okay, okay, breathe. Things go wrong, it's a fact of life. But we've got backup. The building has 24/7 security. There's a local contact who speaks multiple languages (thank god!). And I'm available too, within reason. Don't expect me to come over and fix a plumbing disaster in my pajamas, but I'll absolutely point you in the right direction. Remember that power outage I mentioned? Yeah, it was scary. But we got through it. So, if the apocalypse happens, yes I’ll be running for the hills. But otherwise? Feel free to raise hell with me. I’ll laugh, and together we’ll figure it out.
Is it accessible? I have limited mobility.
This is a tricky one. Sorry. The building has a lift, but it may not meet every standard in every country. I *know* the entrance isn't the easiest. This is something I am working on improving and in the meantime, I'd love to discuss your mobility needs with you directly. You’re more then welcome to drop me a message. I am constantly learning. Just... drop me a line and let's talk. Before you book. Seriously.
Are there any hidden gems nearby? Secret spots a tourist wouldn't find? (I want to be *that* person.)
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